Voices in the dark

Let me start off by saying that I am not suicidal.


I'm not. Although I suppose there's nothing stopping a person who is suicidal from saying they're not. But I'm really not.


I have never planned to kill myself or really harm myself in any way.


But, whilst dealing with the anxiety and the depression, there is something that is more terrifying to me.


I have periods where I can see and understand why someone might kill themselves.


A few months ago, I had a really bad bout of depression. It lasted 3 weeks, which is a long time for me. I spent the first week and a half of this school term doing all I could to get out of bed in the mornings and then get through the day without crying. It ended with two days where I could just not face going to work, and only after spending those two days in bed sleeping and lying around my house, mixed with plenty of tears, was I able to lift out of it.


At the moment, my anxiety- which has been pretty good lately until the last week or so- is at a peak.


I'm currently on a 1 year contract at my school. There are positions available for next year, for which I have applied. I spent a week on the application, and got 8 different people to look it over for me, I am that paranoid.


This application has to be amazing. Perfect. The best.


Because I really like this school. The staff are so supportive and friendly, the students are lovely (in most cases) and this is the first school I've worked at where I've really felt like part of the community, like I fit in.


And if I don't get the position, I have 2 choices:
1. Keep living here and hope to gain enough casual or temporary work to be able to pay my bills, and hope eventually something full-time comes from that.
2. Move back home with my parents and look for full-time work, which would most likely require me to move again.


The thing about number 1, is that I do a remarkable job of stressing about money when I have a steady income. Having to hope I get called each morning so I can pay my bills is not something that is desirable to me.


The thing about number 2 is that I have moved 4 times already since January 2012. I've had to settle into 3 new towns, new schools and find my footing all over again. It takes me a term to settle into a new school and find my footing. Longer to settle into a new town and community.
I don't cope well with having to meet new people. I'm about at my limit, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope if I have to move again.


I submitted the application yesterday afternoon, and now am trying not to panic about it. Or think about it.


Which, of course, usually means all I'm doing is thinking about it. Or thinking about not thinking about it.


And last night (and these thoughts usually seem to come at night), I couldn't help but have a moment, where I could understand why someone (who is not me) in my position (again, not me) could think about killing themselves.
Because then all the stress, all the worry, would stop.


I'm not sleeping well currently. I'm not eating much, because I'm not that hungry.


And although I've been seeing my psychologist for 5 months now, I don't know how to stop that sick, twisted feeling in my chest and gut.


The voice that keeps asking me "What if you don't get it? You're not good enough. You haven't done enough. There's so many people out there better and more qualified for this than you are."


Although I've been assured that it's routine, when I was told that the positions next year would be advertised, what I heard was "You're here, but let's see if we can get someone better for the job."


And I know that I still have  a long way to go, as a teacher. I'm still working on developing my behaviour management strategies, I'm not as organised as I should be/could be. I often lack follow through- despite my intentions.


There are many schools I see jobs at, and immediately know I can't apply for, because I know that I'm not good enough or smart enough to be able to teach there.


I struggle most with the not knowing. I always have. Things that I can't control.


I could be smarter than I think I am. I could be better than I think I am. I am my own worst-critic. I set high expectations for myself, that I probably can't live up to.


I set other people's expectations of me, and try to live up to those expectations- which I have no idea of knowing what they are, or if they even exist.


I love being a teacher. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I love getting to know my students and sharing with them my knowledge on things. I love that moment when they get something, when a student does better on an exam than they (or I) expected. I just want to be good at it, and I want to feel like I am good at it.

Surprise: I stress a lot.

I've discovered that being employed on temporary contracts, job hunting, and having to face the unknown are all things that are not helped by having depression.

Shocking, isn't it? 

You'd think I be used to it by now, this is my third year going into the busiest term of the year and not knowing if I'll have work next year. 

And to be fair, I haven't coped well the past two years, although last year wasn't too bad. But I am really not coping. 

At the moment, with my psychologist, we've covered unhelpful forms of thinking, just really trying to pinpoint the forms of thinking that I tend to... you know, think; and where they come from.

There's a few forms of thought that I can attribute to all the crap I went through in school, and my awful self-esteem. There's one I know comes from my mother.

Basically, the past 2 sessions there's been a lot of talk about my family, and how I feel about myself, so there has been a lot of tears. Many, many tears.

At the moment, that's what we're dealing with. My crappy self-esteem and that I basically hate myself. 

OK, that's probably too strong. I don't hate myself. I just have zero confidence in myself and any good qualities/talents/skills/whatever I may have. 

You'll be happy to know from my last entry that I am no feeling low. Well, I was the other day, but that was hormones.

I did have to have 2 days off work, because I couldn't face going in, but then I felt much better- and I had lots of sleep which also helped. Last weekend I was very productive and got heaps done, which made me feel really good. I was hoping that would happen again this weekend, but not so much.

The next step is I have to go back to my GP and get a mental health review before my last 4 sessions with the psychologist (we only get 10 a year before we have to pay heaps. Which I don't have). 

I think we're making progress though... I think. Maybe. Baby steps. 

Miles to go before I sleep

I've been feeling really low lately. 

Initially, I didn't think anything of it, I just thought it was because it was the end of school holidays; and although I love my job (the majority of the time), I always feel a little low and unmotivated at the end of the holidays. 

But it's still going on, and that doesn't happen to me very often. Getting out of bed is really hard, it can take me up to an hour to drag myself out of bed. And sometimes, once I get out of bed and get moving and start my day, I'm ok. 

Some days, I send the entire day feeling one step away from tears and wanting to crawl back into bed. 

I'm not sleeping very well, I don't think I've gotten more than 5 or 6 hours most nights in the past 2 or so weeks. I'm always exhausted, but I take hours to fall asleep. 

I'm rarely hungry, and I'm not motivated to cook or clean... although, if I'm honest, that's not new. 

I have dinner and a professional learning course to go to on Friday and Saturday; and right now, I'm absolutely dreading it. I mean, the course should be really good, we're getting Bill Rogers in to talk, who is a really big deal in education here... but having to go out and be sociable, I don't know if I can do it.

Being this way means that I'm struggling most at work. I yelled at two classes and almost cried in one of those. 

I just want to be able to get a full nights sleep and feel like I’m rested; and be properly hungry and have the energy and motivation to get up and cook; and be able to get through the day without feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment half the time. 

I talked to my psychologist about it when I saw her last week, but we couldn't work out what brought this on. I blamed the lack of sleep, combined with a pretty busy few weeks. I don't know any more. 

It hasn't been all doom and gloom during this time though. I've been fine on the days I'm seeing a musical, but that's not the cheapest way to manage my mood. 

I'm so very tired. 

My weekend in anxiety

This weekend has been really mixed.

It started off awesome. I had some girls over from work for... well, for what was supposed to be afternoon tea but ended up being snacks for dinner. Anyway, that was really great.

I was so nervous about having people over because... well I always feel so awkward about being around people. But maybe I was more comfortable because it was in my house? I don't know.

Anyway, it went really well and it was a really fun night. Plus, my mum called me in the afternoon and said she and my dad were coming down the next day, which made me happy. Because even though I'm going home next weekend, I like seeing my parents. Especially when I'm not the one doing the travelling to see them.

And then Saturday was... mixed. I didn't sleep really well, because I was on a high from actually being sociable and about my parents coming over, so I was up really early. It sucks being up at 7.30 am on a Saturday morning for no reason, but whatever.

Then my little sister called me at about 11 am, to tell me she found out she has retinal pigmentosa (which I'm probably spelling wrong). Basically, it's an eye disease; and either she can go or will eventually go blind. It's not good, so that has our whole family stressed (well, I'm not sure about my brother. And my other sister is completely unsympathetic, but I don't think she got how serious it is).

Then I bought a car. Which sounds good, and technically is, except for the part where I don't like spending heaps of money and had an anxiety attack in the dealership (coz I'm smooth that way). And then there's the part where the idea of driving unsupervised completely freaks me out (yes, I am that pathetic); so I was anxious all night and barely slept.

So, now I'm tired and shaky and anxious and just... blah.

Milestone

This is the first week (knock on wood because it's only Thursday) that I've been at school (work, but I work in a school, so it works) all week. This term- and we're five weeks in.

This is the first week since late June where I haven't had a major anxiety attack at some point. I've had a few medium ones, but I've still been able to go to work, thankfully.

I say thankfully because last week I was really over it. I was really over having to call in sick because an attack had left me so exhausted and drained that I had no energy to go to work.

Namely because it's a huge hassle and even missing one day puts you behind majorly; but also because I always worry one sick day could be the difference between me being employed or unemployed next year. I'm on a 1 year contract.

If there's a job open for next year, I don't want them to look at my name and say "no, she takes too much time off." I'm not saying they would, and I'm pretty sure there are people I work with who have taken much more time off than I have, but that's how I think.

And yeah, the voice in my head that has these thoughts is my mother's. I don't know what that means.

10 things that are fantastic about me

My self-esteem has always sucked. At least, it has for as long as I can remember.

Although I can say it is way better in my 20s than it was in my teens, which is due to the positive and supportive people in my life who... I want to say 'tolerate' everything that most people have made me feel bad about myself for so long. Maybe tolerate isn't the right word, but every way I went to word that sounded bad.

And that's what I'm working on at the moment- improving my self esteem.

Hence, this list, which I was asked to write by my psychologist. And it is hard. I can admit, I've procrastinated. Every time I thought about it, I got stuck. But here it is the final draft:

1. I know heaps of random crap information. Mostly on subjects I care about (I have so much Harry Potter trivia, it's not even funny).

2. I try to be nice to everyone all the time- even people I don't like. I care about other people's feelings.

3. I think of awesome questions for celebrity Q&A's (which has been confirmed by Jemma Rix and David Harris). I like to put thought into it and ask meaningful, thoughtful questions; instead of any unoriginal stuff that you could find an answer to in any interview.

4. I'm loyal. I try to be a good friend and I am loyal to my friends and my family. I try to be a good daughter, granddaughter, sister, etc. I really value friendship and don't take it lightly. And I'm loyal to all the fandoms I'm a part of. Once I really love something, I pretty much always stick with it. (The only exception I can think of is House, but that just got so bad after season 5 3. 4 and 5 were ok. But I did still follow the show after I stopped watching).

5. I honour my commitments. Unless something really urgent comes up, I always stick to plans I make (as in with people). I'm not a quitter- I was raised to follow through with my promises. I did quit my first job, but that's because my boss was mean and scary and it was affecting my health. Then I only quit my second job because I was moving 4 hours away for my first teaching job, so I kind of had to.

6. I'm empathetic. I try really hard to understand what people are going through and feeling, and apparently I'm fairly accurate.

7.  I am apparently good at baking (based off when I bake stuff and people tell me that it's good). And I am very good at supplying chocolate to people. I have a stash in my desk drawer at work for everyone. Because sometimes, you just need chocolate (especially as a teacher, because kids can suck).

8. I have written stuff that make people laugh (even if I don't always expect them to, because no one would really describe me as funny), and cry (which makes me laugh). And that's a really nice feeling to know I can do that, although I have been known to mock that at times.

I may have used this image to describe it.

9. I love learning. I genuinely do, and I actually enjoy research when it's on something I care about. I research subjects I'm interested in, whether just because or for a story. When you write a story where a character is pregnant or has is pregnant (2 separate stories, just FYI) and people tell you that it's accurate and it feels real, that's a good feeling.

10. I am good at... reading? I don't know, that never really sounds like a skill. But I do read fast... not that I really have the time to read any more. But I read the last Harry Potter book in 4 hours when it first came out. I could do it again probably, but I've never tried.

And, a bonus:

11. I am really good at getting people interested in things I'm passionate about. I have convinced so many people to go see Wicked in the past 4 years because I don't shut up about it. I even have a T-shirt with that on it.

The really nice thing was when I mentioned this list on Facebook and people commented. In hindsight, it's interesting to look at what I've put on my list and what my friends apparently value about me.

So, there is my list.

Playlist

One of the methods my psychologist gave me to help deal with my anxiety attacks is to create a playlist of the music that most helps me relax; and just to focus on the music and breathe.

So, here's a bit about what (or rather who) is on my playlist:

1. David Harris:
David was the first person I added. My 3rd (and favourite) Fiyero, and favourite (male) musical theatre performer. And also the nicest person I've ever met. If you've ever read my other blog, you'll know the name from all my musical theatre talk!
When I need to relax, he's my go-to guy. He just has such a calming voice, and the music on his albums is so relaxing and soft. It's perfect to focus on and just remind myself to breathe. I'm pretty sure I could listen to him sing the phone book and I'd love it.
And what better song to demonstrate than his duet of As Long as You're Mine with Jemma Rix from his second album, At This Stage? (Who, by the way, is another one of my favourite voices to listen to of all time. She really needs an album.)

2. Delta Goodrem
Like there was any way Delta was not being a playlist. I've been a fan for half my life (literally. I'm 24, I was 12 when I became a fan), and half the reason I fell in love with her music is because it's connects with me emotionally and helps me to relax.
So much of Delta's music has memories and feelings attached to it for me, and often the distraction is what helps when I'm trying to calm myself.
I could have picked so many songs here, but I figured her first single, Born to Try, where it all began for me was the best choice. Still gives me goosebumps.

3. Idina Menzel
Idina is just... queen. What more can I say? I'm fairly obsessed with the If/Then soundtrack at the moment, which could probably be a whole other blog entry on its own. (In short, I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason... you kind of have to when so much crap happens to you. You have to believe there's a reason and things will get better. Man, it's no wonder I have anxiety. And it's only natural to wonder what might have been).
I chose her rendition of 'Tomorrow' from Annie for this, because it's a beautiful arrangement and its one of the songs that reminds me to hope when I need it most.

4. Disney
I have a lot of Disney music on this playlist... or just in general really. What better to relax you than the music that defined your childhood and represents nostalgia and really... emotional security? Anything by Howard Ashman and Alan Menken is a natural choice, but The Lion King soundtrack is also a must. Since seeing the musical, this is another song I'm playing a lot right now.

5. My Top Broadway songs ever. 
Enough said really. Of course, 'Defying Gravity' is on the list, as is 'This is the Moment'. If you want to see my top 20 Broadway songs, the list is here.

There's the odd other song on the playlist, but these are the big ones. If anyone has any other recommendations of relaxing music, let me know! I'm always open for new music!

Anxiety

Basically the first time I saw the psychologist, she talked about the different types of anxiety that there are, and often people have more than one in some degree.

The psychologist gave me lots of information on anxiety and depression, and naturally, I'm doing my own research on top of that and around lesson planning.

The types of anxiety are Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia and Specific Phobias. There's also OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Panic Disorder.

The ironic thing is, I had no symptoms of panic disorder until I went and saw my doctor for stress-induced nausea and she gave me anti-anxiety meds. And then two days later I was rushed to hospital via ambulance for the most terrifying experience of my life. I'm off the meds now, but they still happen- thankfully not bad enough to warrant a return to hospital.

I have no OCD, or PTSD, so... yay. Although I wonder if I did have OCD if I'd be more organised....

I think everyone has specific phobias, don't they? My biggies are spiders. And water (like, deep water. Not like I can't shower or anything).

I have some of GAD, but my biggest one is Social Phobia. Which probably stems from the years of bullying and social rejection and the fact my self-esteem is like snakes and ladders.

I hate small talk. I never know what to say and just feel like an idiot. So, I either say nothing or end up rambling like an idiot.

I hate talking on the phone-especially to people I don't know. It's okay if they call me, but if I have to make the call, I feel sick and have been known to end up in tears. When possible, I admittedly get my mum to call for me (if I'm just calling for info on something).

I will do anything to avoid being in a situation where I don't know anyone. If it happens, I feel nauseous. And I hate meeting lots of new people at once.

I always certain when I meet new people that they're not going to like me. And I'm always sure that something I say or do will make them stop liking me, or that they're just being polite and pretending to like me.

I'm not even sure my own siblings like me half the time. (I am however, fairly confident I'm my parents favourite child. Mostly because I'm the only child not living at home that my parents ring up just to check in and see how I'm going. Plus, firstborn.)

Colleagues, friends... theatre people I've met at Stage Door... I'd never speak up in class, even if I was sure of the answer, just in case it was wrong and I looked stupid.

Sometimes it feels utterly ridiculous that I'm a teacher and people actually listen to me.

I am still surprised at times to think that people actually like me and want to talk to me. It doesn't make any sense.

I hate asking people for lifts and even if they offer to do stuff, I will rarely take them up on it. Mostly because I don't want to be seen as a burden, and I'm sure they're just being polite or generous. I hate inconveniencing people.

The place I'm most comfortable to speak my mind is on social media (ie. Twitter) and even then I self-censor a lot. And do many drafts- which is also to do with the 140 character limit, I think.

So, between the social phobia, and being an introvert, it's quite frankly a miracle I ever leave the house.

Earthquakes

So far, I've had two anxiety attacks at school. Last week, I had a break between classes so I was able to rest up before teaching.

Yesterday, I just taught through it. Which in hindsight, was a dumb idea, but whatever.

One of my classes noted something was up (because they're good kids and pretty observant), and I told them the truth. 

The kids asked what it felt like, which was a difficult question to answer, because there's a scale. Some aren't as bad as others. Some are really bad and then I have almost aftershocks for the rest of the day.

One of the girls made the observation that it sounds like earthquakes, which is fairly accurate.

The worst ones are where I feel as though my throat is closing over and I can't breathe. I have chest pain and a burning sensation that (at it's absolute worst) can spread up into my mouth and down into my arms. My heart pounds heavily and my arms and legs shake. I feel exhausted and lightheaded afterwards. These are the ones where I have "aftershocks" afterwards, which are really like the smallest attacks. 

The medium ones are where I can breathe (yay), but my chest feels tight and I have the pounding heart and the shaking. I don't feel dizzy and lightheaded, but I still feel drained and exhausted.

The smallest ones are where my heart just pounds heavy and I get a little shaky. 

I have my second appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. 

First appointment with the Psychologist

Last Thursday, I met with the psychologist.

I was nervous- I hadn't done this before and her office was in a part of the city I didn't really know, so I showed up 2 hours early.

Afterwards however, I felt better. She's really nice and easy to talk to.

She gave me a form to fill out to test where my levels of anxiety, depression and stress lie- as a base line. The results came back that I have mild stress, moderate depression and severe anxiety.

So, where do we go from here?

Because there's always room for a Buffy pop culture reference

I go back next week to see her again. In the meantime, she gave me a form to fill out.

It looks something like this. I have to chart my mood between 1 (Worst) and 10 (best) in the morning and in the afternoon; list how many hours sleep I got that night; and anything positive/negative that happens to affect my mood, bring on an anxiety attack, etc.

So far the most sleep I've gotten is 8 hours, and that was the night after she gave me the form. The highest my mood has been is 8. The lowest is 4.
And I've realised that my mood is even lower at night.

Chart aside, it's been ok. I had an anxiety attack today at work, halfway through the assembly. I had to leave because it felt like I couldn't breathe, and it came out of nowhere.

I hate this. I hate that it's impacting my work, which makes me even more anxious.

Introduction

I'm about to start a journey.

It's an internal journey, Bilbo. Sorry.

Next week, I have my first meeting with a psychologist, after being referred by my doctor for anxiety and depression.

I've never been to a psychologist before, although I did become very well acquainted with the guidance counselors at the 2 high schools I attended. I don't really know what to expect, will this become a common thing, or will it just be one meeting?

Whatever happens, I felt like this is something I should record. For my own benefit. But as I am terrible at keeping a journal, but rather good at keeping up with my normal blog, I thought this was the best way to do it.

I also decided it would be better to keep this separate from my normal blog.

The Name:

The name of this blog, and the link for it come from the same source- Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, Dumbledore says this quote, which I have always found relevant.

I don't know if this is "the darkest of times", but it's pretty dark for me.
And essentially this journey is about finding away to turn on the light, and gathering the tools to do that.
If you're reading this, thank you for your time.