Anxiety

Basically the first time I saw the psychologist, she talked about the different types of anxiety that there are, and often people have more than one in some degree.

The psychologist gave me lots of information on anxiety and depression, and naturally, I'm doing my own research on top of that and around lesson planning.

The types of anxiety are Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia and Specific Phobias. There's also OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Panic Disorder.

The ironic thing is, I had no symptoms of panic disorder until I went and saw my doctor for stress-induced nausea and she gave me anti-anxiety meds. And then two days later I was rushed to hospital via ambulance for the most terrifying experience of my life. I'm off the meds now, but they still happen- thankfully not bad enough to warrant a return to hospital.

I have no OCD, or PTSD, so... yay. Although I wonder if I did have OCD if I'd be more organised....

I think everyone has specific phobias, don't they? My biggies are spiders. And water (like, deep water. Not like I can't shower or anything).

I have some of GAD, but my biggest one is Social Phobia. Which probably stems from the years of bullying and social rejection and the fact my self-esteem is like snakes and ladders.

I hate small talk. I never know what to say and just feel like an idiot. So, I either say nothing or end up rambling like an idiot.

I hate talking on the phone-especially to people I don't know. It's okay if they call me, but if I have to make the call, I feel sick and have been known to end up in tears. When possible, I admittedly get my mum to call for me (if I'm just calling for info on something).

I will do anything to avoid being in a situation where I don't know anyone. If it happens, I feel nauseous. And I hate meeting lots of new people at once.

I always certain when I meet new people that they're not going to like me. And I'm always sure that something I say or do will make them stop liking me, or that they're just being polite and pretending to like me.

I'm not even sure my own siblings like me half the time. (I am however, fairly confident I'm my parents favourite child. Mostly because I'm the only child not living at home that my parents ring up just to check in and see how I'm going. Plus, firstborn.)

Colleagues, friends... theatre people I've met at Stage Door... I'd never speak up in class, even if I was sure of the answer, just in case it was wrong and I looked stupid.

Sometimes it feels utterly ridiculous that I'm a teacher and people actually listen to me.

I am still surprised at times to think that people actually like me and want to talk to me. It doesn't make any sense.

I hate asking people for lifts and even if they offer to do stuff, I will rarely take them up on it. Mostly because I don't want to be seen as a burden, and I'm sure they're just being polite or generous. I hate inconveniencing people.

The place I'm most comfortable to speak my mind is on social media (ie. Twitter) and even then I self-censor a lot. And do many drafts- which is also to do with the 140 character limit, I think.

So, between the social phobia, and being an introvert, it's quite frankly a miracle I ever leave the house.