Voices in the dark

Let me start off by saying that I am not suicidal.


I'm not. Although I suppose there's nothing stopping a person who is suicidal from saying they're not. But I'm really not.


I have never planned to kill myself or really harm myself in any way.


But, whilst dealing with the anxiety and the depression, there is something that is more terrifying to me.


I have periods where I can see and understand why someone might kill themselves.


A few months ago, I had a really bad bout of depression. It lasted 3 weeks, which is a long time for me. I spent the first week and a half of this school term doing all I could to get out of bed in the mornings and then get through the day without crying. It ended with two days where I could just not face going to work, and only after spending those two days in bed sleeping and lying around my house, mixed with plenty of tears, was I able to lift out of it.


At the moment, my anxiety- which has been pretty good lately until the last week or so- is at a peak.


I'm currently on a 1 year contract at my school. There are positions available for next year, for which I have applied. I spent a week on the application, and got 8 different people to look it over for me, I am that paranoid.


This application has to be amazing. Perfect. The best.


Because I really like this school. The staff are so supportive and friendly, the students are lovely (in most cases) and this is the first school I've worked at where I've really felt like part of the community, like I fit in.


And if I don't get the position, I have 2 choices:
1. Keep living here and hope to gain enough casual or temporary work to be able to pay my bills, and hope eventually something full-time comes from that.
2. Move back home with my parents and look for full-time work, which would most likely require me to move again.


The thing about number 1, is that I do a remarkable job of stressing about money when I have a steady income. Having to hope I get called each morning so I can pay my bills is not something that is desirable to me.


The thing about number 2 is that I have moved 4 times already since January 2012. I've had to settle into 3 new towns, new schools and find my footing all over again. It takes me a term to settle into a new school and find my footing. Longer to settle into a new town and community.
I don't cope well with having to meet new people. I'm about at my limit, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope if I have to move again.


I submitted the application yesterday afternoon, and now am trying not to panic about it. Or think about it.


Which, of course, usually means all I'm doing is thinking about it. Or thinking about not thinking about it.


And last night (and these thoughts usually seem to come at night), I couldn't help but have a moment, where I could understand why someone (who is not me) in my position (again, not me) could think about killing themselves.
Because then all the stress, all the worry, would stop.


I'm not sleeping well currently. I'm not eating much, because I'm not that hungry.


And although I've been seeing my psychologist for 5 months now, I don't know how to stop that sick, twisted feeling in my chest and gut.


The voice that keeps asking me "What if you don't get it? You're not good enough. You haven't done enough. There's so many people out there better and more qualified for this than you are."


Although I've been assured that it's routine, when I was told that the positions next year would be advertised, what I heard was "You're here, but let's see if we can get someone better for the job."


And I know that I still have  a long way to go, as a teacher. I'm still working on developing my behaviour management strategies, I'm not as organised as I should be/could be. I often lack follow through- despite my intentions.


There are many schools I see jobs at, and immediately know I can't apply for, because I know that I'm not good enough or smart enough to be able to teach there.


I struggle most with the not knowing. I always have. Things that I can't control.


I could be smarter than I think I am. I could be better than I think I am. I am my own worst-critic. I set high expectations for myself, that I probably can't live up to.


I set other people's expectations of me, and try to live up to those expectations- which I have no idea of knowing what they are, or if they even exist.


I love being a teacher. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I love getting to know my students and sharing with them my knowledge on things. I love that moment when they get something, when a student does better on an exam than they (or I) expected. I just want to be good at it, and I want to feel like I am good at it.