Milestone

This is the first week (knock on wood because it's only Thursday) that I've been at school (work, but I work in a school, so it works) all week. This term- and we're five weeks in.

This is the first week since late June where I haven't had a major anxiety attack at some point. I've had a few medium ones, but I've still been able to go to work, thankfully.

I say thankfully because last week I was really over it. I was really over having to call in sick because an attack had left me so exhausted and drained that I had no energy to go to work.

Namely because it's a huge hassle and even missing one day puts you behind majorly; but also because I always worry one sick day could be the difference between me being employed or unemployed next year. I'm on a 1 year contract.

If there's a job open for next year, I don't want them to look at my name and say "no, she takes too much time off." I'm not saying they would, and I'm pretty sure there are people I work with who have taken much more time off than I have, but that's how I think.

And yeah, the voice in my head that has these thoughts is my mother's. I don't know what that means.

Earthquakes

So far, I've had two anxiety attacks at school. Last week, I had a break between classes so I was able to rest up before teaching.

Yesterday, I just taught through it. Which in hindsight, was a dumb idea, but whatever.

One of my classes noted something was up (because they're good kids and pretty observant), and I told them the truth. 

The kids asked what it felt like, which was a difficult question to answer, because there's a scale. Some aren't as bad as others. Some are really bad and then I have almost aftershocks for the rest of the day.

One of the girls made the observation that it sounds like earthquakes, which is fairly accurate.

The worst ones are where I feel as though my throat is closing over and I can't breathe. I have chest pain and a burning sensation that (at it's absolute worst) can spread up into my mouth and down into my arms. My heart pounds heavily and my arms and legs shake. I feel exhausted and lightheaded afterwards. These are the ones where I have "aftershocks" afterwards, which are really like the smallest attacks. 

The medium ones are where I can breathe (yay), but my chest feels tight and I have the pounding heart and the shaking. I don't feel dizzy and lightheaded, but I still feel drained and exhausted.

The smallest ones are where my heart just pounds heavy and I get a little shaky. 

I have my second appointment with the psychologist this afternoon.