Voices in the dark

Let me start off by saying that I am not suicidal.


I'm not. Although I suppose there's nothing stopping a person who is suicidal from saying they're not. But I'm really not.


I have never planned to kill myself or really harm myself in any way.


But, whilst dealing with the anxiety and the depression, there is something that is more terrifying to me.


I have periods where I can see and understand why someone might kill themselves.


A few months ago, I had a really bad bout of depression. It lasted 3 weeks, which is a long time for me. I spent the first week and a half of this school term doing all I could to get out of bed in the mornings and then get through the day without crying. It ended with two days where I could just not face going to work, and only after spending those two days in bed sleeping and lying around my house, mixed with plenty of tears, was I able to lift out of it.


At the moment, my anxiety- which has been pretty good lately until the last week or so- is at a peak.


I'm currently on a 1 year contract at my school. There are positions available for next year, for which I have applied. I spent a week on the application, and got 8 different people to look it over for me, I am that paranoid.


This application has to be amazing. Perfect. The best.


Because I really like this school. The staff are so supportive and friendly, the students are lovely (in most cases) and this is the first school I've worked at where I've really felt like part of the community, like I fit in.


And if I don't get the position, I have 2 choices:
1. Keep living here and hope to gain enough casual or temporary work to be able to pay my bills, and hope eventually something full-time comes from that.
2. Move back home with my parents and look for full-time work, which would most likely require me to move again.


The thing about number 1, is that I do a remarkable job of stressing about money when I have a steady income. Having to hope I get called each morning so I can pay my bills is not something that is desirable to me.


The thing about number 2 is that I have moved 4 times already since January 2012. I've had to settle into 3 new towns, new schools and find my footing all over again. It takes me a term to settle into a new school and find my footing. Longer to settle into a new town and community.
I don't cope well with having to meet new people. I'm about at my limit, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope if I have to move again.


I submitted the application yesterday afternoon, and now am trying not to panic about it. Or think about it.


Which, of course, usually means all I'm doing is thinking about it. Or thinking about not thinking about it.


And last night (and these thoughts usually seem to come at night), I couldn't help but have a moment, where I could understand why someone (who is not me) in my position (again, not me) could think about killing themselves.
Because then all the stress, all the worry, would stop.


I'm not sleeping well currently. I'm not eating much, because I'm not that hungry.


And although I've been seeing my psychologist for 5 months now, I don't know how to stop that sick, twisted feeling in my chest and gut.


The voice that keeps asking me "What if you don't get it? You're not good enough. You haven't done enough. There's so many people out there better and more qualified for this than you are."


Although I've been assured that it's routine, when I was told that the positions next year would be advertised, what I heard was "You're here, but let's see if we can get someone better for the job."


And I know that I still have  a long way to go, as a teacher. I'm still working on developing my behaviour management strategies, I'm not as organised as I should be/could be. I often lack follow through- despite my intentions.


There are many schools I see jobs at, and immediately know I can't apply for, because I know that I'm not good enough or smart enough to be able to teach there.


I struggle most with the not knowing. I always have. Things that I can't control.


I could be smarter than I think I am. I could be better than I think I am. I am my own worst-critic. I set high expectations for myself, that I probably can't live up to.


I set other people's expectations of me, and try to live up to those expectations- which I have no idea of knowing what they are, or if they even exist.


I love being a teacher. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I love getting to know my students and sharing with them my knowledge on things. I love that moment when they get something, when a student does better on an exam than they (or I) expected. I just want to be good at it, and I want to feel like I am good at it.

My weekend in anxiety

This weekend has been really mixed.

It started off awesome. I had some girls over from work for... well, for what was supposed to be afternoon tea but ended up being snacks for dinner. Anyway, that was really great.

I was so nervous about having people over because... well I always feel so awkward about being around people. But maybe I was more comfortable because it was in my house? I don't know.

Anyway, it went really well and it was a really fun night. Plus, my mum called me in the afternoon and said she and my dad were coming down the next day, which made me happy. Because even though I'm going home next weekend, I like seeing my parents. Especially when I'm not the one doing the travelling to see them.

And then Saturday was... mixed. I didn't sleep really well, because I was on a high from actually being sociable and about my parents coming over, so I was up really early. It sucks being up at 7.30 am on a Saturday morning for no reason, but whatever.

Then my little sister called me at about 11 am, to tell me she found out she has retinal pigmentosa (which I'm probably spelling wrong). Basically, it's an eye disease; and either she can go or will eventually go blind. It's not good, so that has our whole family stressed (well, I'm not sure about my brother. And my other sister is completely unsympathetic, but I don't think she got how serious it is).

Then I bought a car. Which sounds good, and technically is, except for the part where I don't like spending heaps of money and had an anxiety attack in the dealership (coz I'm smooth that way). And then there's the part where the idea of driving unsupervised completely freaks me out (yes, I am that pathetic); so I was anxious all night and barely slept.

So, now I'm tired and shaky and anxious and just... blah.

Milestone

This is the first week (knock on wood because it's only Thursday) that I've been at school (work, but I work in a school, so it works) all week. This term- and we're five weeks in.

This is the first week since late June where I haven't had a major anxiety attack at some point. I've had a few medium ones, but I've still been able to go to work, thankfully.

I say thankfully because last week I was really over it. I was really over having to call in sick because an attack had left me so exhausted and drained that I had no energy to go to work.

Namely because it's a huge hassle and even missing one day puts you behind majorly; but also because I always worry one sick day could be the difference between me being employed or unemployed next year. I'm on a 1 year contract.

If there's a job open for next year, I don't want them to look at my name and say "no, she takes too much time off." I'm not saying they would, and I'm pretty sure there are people I work with who have taken much more time off than I have, but that's how I think.

And yeah, the voice in my head that has these thoughts is my mother's. I don't know what that means.

Anxiety

Basically the first time I saw the psychologist, she talked about the different types of anxiety that there are, and often people have more than one in some degree.

The psychologist gave me lots of information on anxiety and depression, and naturally, I'm doing my own research on top of that and around lesson planning.

The types of anxiety are Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia and Specific Phobias. There's also OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Panic Disorder.

The ironic thing is, I had no symptoms of panic disorder until I went and saw my doctor for stress-induced nausea and she gave me anti-anxiety meds. And then two days later I was rushed to hospital via ambulance for the most terrifying experience of my life. I'm off the meds now, but they still happen- thankfully not bad enough to warrant a return to hospital.

I have no OCD, or PTSD, so... yay. Although I wonder if I did have OCD if I'd be more organised....

I think everyone has specific phobias, don't they? My biggies are spiders. And water (like, deep water. Not like I can't shower or anything).

I have some of GAD, but my biggest one is Social Phobia. Which probably stems from the years of bullying and social rejection and the fact my self-esteem is like snakes and ladders.

I hate small talk. I never know what to say and just feel like an idiot. So, I either say nothing or end up rambling like an idiot.

I hate talking on the phone-especially to people I don't know. It's okay if they call me, but if I have to make the call, I feel sick and have been known to end up in tears. When possible, I admittedly get my mum to call for me (if I'm just calling for info on something).

I will do anything to avoid being in a situation where I don't know anyone. If it happens, I feel nauseous. And I hate meeting lots of new people at once.

I always certain when I meet new people that they're not going to like me. And I'm always sure that something I say or do will make them stop liking me, or that they're just being polite and pretending to like me.

I'm not even sure my own siblings like me half the time. (I am however, fairly confident I'm my parents favourite child. Mostly because I'm the only child not living at home that my parents ring up just to check in and see how I'm going. Plus, firstborn.)

Colleagues, friends... theatre people I've met at Stage Door... I'd never speak up in class, even if I was sure of the answer, just in case it was wrong and I looked stupid.

Sometimes it feels utterly ridiculous that I'm a teacher and people actually listen to me.

I am still surprised at times to think that people actually like me and want to talk to me. It doesn't make any sense.

I hate asking people for lifts and even if they offer to do stuff, I will rarely take them up on it. Mostly because I don't want to be seen as a burden, and I'm sure they're just being polite or generous. I hate inconveniencing people.

The place I'm most comfortable to speak my mind is on social media (ie. Twitter) and even then I self-censor a lot. And do many drafts- which is also to do with the 140 character limit, I think.

So, between the social phobia, and being an introvert, it's quite frankly a miracle I ever leave the house.

Earthquakes

So far, I've had two anxiety attacks at school. Last week, I had a break between classes so I was able to rest up before teaching.

Yesterday, I just taught through it. Which in hindsight, was a dumb idea, but whatever.

One of my classes noted something was up (because they're good kids and pretty observant), and I told them the truth. 

The kids asked what it felt like, which was a difficult question to answer, because there's a scale. Some aren't as bad as others. Some are really bad and then I have almost aftershocks for the rest of the day.

One of the girls made the observation that it sounds like earthquakes, which is fairly accurate.

The worst ones are where I feel as though my throat is closing over and I can't breathe. I have chest pain and a burning sensation that (at it's absolute worst) can spread up into my mouth and down into my arms. My heart pounds heavily and my arms and legs shake. I feel exhausted and lightheaded afterwards. These are the ones where I have "aftershocks" afterwards, which are really like the smallest attacks. 

The medium ones are where I can breathe (yay), but my chest feels tight and I have the pounding heart and the shaking. I don't feel dizzy and lightheaded, but I still feel drained and exhausted.

The smallest ones are where my heart just pounds heavy and I get a little shaky. 

I have my second appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. 

First appointment with the Psychologist

Last Thursday, I met with the psychologist.

I was nervous- I hadn't done this before and her office was in a part of the city I didn't really know, so I showed up 2 hours early.

Afterwards however, I felt better. She's really nice and easy to talk to.

She gave me a form to fill out to test where my levels of anxiety, depression and stress lie- as a base line. The results came back that I have mild stress, moderate depression and severe anxiety.

So, where do we go from here?

Because there's always room for a Buffy pop culture reference

I go back next week to see her again. In the meantime, she gave me a form to fill out.

It looks something like this. I have to chart my mood between 1 (Worst) and 10 (best) in the morning and in the afternoon; list how many hours sleep I got that night; and anything positive/negative that happens to affect my mood, bring on an anxiety attack, etc.

So far the most sleep I've gotten is 8 hours, and that was the night after she gave me the form. The highest my mood has been is 8. The lowest is 4.
And I've realised that my mood is even lower at night.

Chart aside, it's been ok. I had an anxiety attack today at work, halfway through the assembly. I had to leave because it felt like I couldn't breathe, and it came out of nowhere.

I hate this. I hate that it's impacting my work, which makes me even more anxious.

Introduction

I'm about to start a journey.

It's an internal journey, Bilbo. Sorry.

Next week, I have my first meeting with a psychologist, after being referred by my doctor for anxiety and depression.

I've never been to a psychologist before, although I did become very well acquainted with the guidance counselors at the 2 high schools I attended. I don't really know what to expect, will this become a common thing, or will it just be one meeting?

Whatever happens, I felt like this is something I should record. For my own benefit. But as I am terrible at keeping a journal, but rather good at keeping up with my normal blog, I thought this was the best way to do it.

I also decided it would be better to keep this separate from my normal blog.

The Name:

The name of this blog, and the link for it come from the same source- Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, Dumbledore says this quote, which I have always found relevant.

I don't know if this is "the darkest of times", but it's pretty dark for me.
And essentially this journey is about finding away to turn on the light, and gathering the tools to do that.
If you're reading this, thank you for your time.