Playlist

One of the methods my psychologist gave me to help deal with my anxiety attacks is to create a playlist of the music that most helps me relax; and just to focus on the music and breathe.

So, here's a bit about what (or rather who) is on my playlist:

1. David Harris:
David was the first person I added. My 3rd (and favourite) Fiyero, and favourite (male) musical theatre performer. And also the nicest person I've ever met. If you've ever read my other blog, you'll know the name from all my musical theatre talk!
When I need to relax, he's my go-to guy. He just has such a calming voice, and the music on his albums is so relaxing and soft. It's perfect to focus on and just remind myself to breathe. I'm pretty sure I could listen to him sing the phone book and I'd love it.
And what better song to demonstrate than his duet of As Long as You're Mine with Jemma Rix from his second album, At This Stage? (Who, by the way, is another one of my favourite voices to listen to of all time. She really needs an album.)

2. Delta Goodrem
Like there was any way Delta was not being a playlist. I've been a fan for half my life (literally. I'm 24, I was 12 when I became a fan), and half the reason I fell in love with her music is because it's connects with me emotionally and helps me to relax.
So much of Delta's music has memories and feelings attached to it for me, and often the distraction is what helps when I'm trying to calm myself.
I could have picked so many songs here, but I figured her first single, Born to Try, where it all began for me was the best choice. Still gives me goosebumps.

3. Idina Menzel
Idina is just... queen. What more can I say? I'm fairly obsessed with the If/Then soundtrack at the moment, which could probably be a whole other blog entry on its own. (In short, I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason... you kind of have to when so much crap happens to you. You have to believe there's a reason and things will get better. Man, it's no wonder I have anxiety. And it's only natural to wonder what might have been).
I chose her rendition of 'Tomorrow' from Annie for this, because it's a beautiful arrangement and its one of the songs that reminds me to hope when I need it most.

4. Disney
I have a lot of Disney music on this playlist... or just in general really. What better to relax you than the music that defined your childhood and represents nostalgia and really... emotional security? Anything by Howard Ashman and Alan Menken is a natural choice, but The Lion King soundtrack is also a must. Since seeing the musical, this is another song I'm playing a lot right now.

5. My Top Broadway songs ever. 
Enough said really. Of course, 'Defying Gravity' is on the list, as is 'This is the Moment'. If you want to see my top 20 Broadway songs, the list is here.

There's the odd other song on the playlist, but these are the big ones. If anyone has any other recommendations of relaxing music, let me know! I'm always open for new music!

Anxiety

Basically the first time I saw the psychologist, she talked about the different types of anxiety that there are, and often people have more than one in some degree.

The psychologist gave me lots of information on anxiety and depression, and naturally, I'm doing my own research on top of that and around lesson planning.

The types of anxiety are Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia and Specific Phobias. There's also OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Panic Disorder.

The ironic thing is, I had no symptoms of panic disorder until I went and saw my doctor for stress-induced nausea and she gave me anti-anxiety meds. And then two days later I was rushed to hospital via ambulance for the most terrifying experience of my life. I'm off the meds now, but they still happen- thankfully not bad enough to warrant a return to hospital.

I have no OCD, or PTSD, so... yay. Although I wonder if I did have OCD if I'd be more organised....

I think everyone has specific phobias, don't they? My biggies are spiders. And water (like, deep water. Not like I can't shower or anything).

I have some of GAD, but my biggest one is Social Phobia. Which probably stems from the years of bullying and social rejection and the fact my self-esteem is like snakes and ladders.

I hate small talk. I never know what to say and just feel like an idiot. So, I either say nothing or end up rambling like an idiot.

I hate talking on the phone-especially to people I don't know. It's okay if they call me, but if I have to make the call, I feel sick and have been known to end up in tears. When possible, I admittedly get my mum to call for me (if I'm just calling for info on something).

I will do anything to avoid being in a situation where I don't know anyone. If it happens, I feel nauseous. And I hate meeting lots of new people at once.

I always certain when I meet new people that they're not going to like me. And I'm always sure that something I say or do will make them stop liking me, or that they're just being polite and pretending to like me.

I'm not even sure my own siblings like me half the time. (I am however, fairly confident I'm my parents favourite child. Mostly because I'm the only child not living at home that my parents ring up just to check in and see how I'm going. Plus, firstborn.)

Colleagues, friends... theatre people I've met at Stage Door... I'd never speak up in class, even if I was sure of the answer, just in case it was wrong and I looked stupid.

Sometimes it feels utterly ridiculous that I'm a teacher and people actually listen to me.

I am still surprised at times to think that people actually like me and want to talk to me. It doesn't make any sense.

I hate asking people for lifts and even if they offer to do stuff, I will rarely take them up on it. Mostly because I don't want to be seen as a burden, and I'm sure they're just being polite or generous. I hate inconveniencing people.

The place I'm most comfortable to speak my mind is on social media (ie. Twitter) and even then I self-censor a lot. And do many drafts- which is also to do with the 140 character limit, I think.

So, between the social phobia, and being an introvert, it's quite frankly a miracle I ever leave the house.

Earthquakes

So far, I've had two anxiety attacks at school. Last week, I had a break between classes so I was able to rest up before teaching.

Yesterday, I just taught through it. Which in hindsight, was a dumb idea, but whatever.

One of my classes noted something was up (because they're good kids and pretty observant), and I told them the truth. 

The kids asked what it felt like, which was a difficult question to answer, because there's a scale. Some aren't as bad as others. Some are really bad and then I have almost aftershocks for the rest of the day.

One of the girls made the observation that it sounds like earthquakes, which is fairly accurate.

The worst ones are where I feel as though my throat is closing over and I can't breathe. I have chest pain and a burning sensation that (at it's absolute worst) can spread up into my mouth and down into my arms. My heart pounds heavily and my arms and legs shake. I feel exhausted and lightheaded afterwards. These are the ones where I have "aftershocks" afterwards, which are really like the smallest attacks. 

The medium ones are where I can breathe (yay), but my chest feels tight and I have the pounding heart and the shaking. I don't feel dizzy and lightheaded, but I still feel drained and exhausted.

The smallest ones are where my heart just pounds heavy and I get a little shaky. 

I have my second appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. 

First appointment with the Psychologist

Last Thursday, I met with the psychologist.

I was nervous- I hadn't done this before and her office was in a part of the city I didn't really know, so I showed up 2 hours early.

Afterwards however, I felt better. She's really nice and easy to talk to.

She gave me a form to fill out to test where my levels of anxiety, depression and stress lie- as a base line. The results came back that I have mild stress, moderate depression and severe anxiety.

So, where do we go from here?

Because there's always room for a Buffy pop culture reference

I go back next week to see her again. In the meantime, she gave me a form to fill out.

It looks something like this. I have to chart my mood between 1 (Worst) and 10 (best) in the morning and in the afternoon; list how many hours sleep I got that night; and anything positive/negative that happens to affect my mood, bring on an anxiety attack, etc.

So far the most sleep I've gotten is 8 hours, and that was the night after she gave me the form. The highest my mood has been is 8. The lowest is 4.
And I've realised that my mood is even lower at night.

Chart aside, it's been ok. I had an anxiety attack today at work, halfway through the assembly. I had to leave because it felt like I couldn't breathe, and it came out of nowhere.

I hate this. I hate that it's impacting my work, which makes me even more anxious.

Introduction

I'm about to start a journey.

It's an internal journey, Bilbo. Sorry.

Next week, I have my first meeting with a psychologist, after being referred by my doctor for anxiety and depression.

I've never been to a psychologist before, although I did become very well acquainted with the guidance counselors at the 2 high schools I attended. I don't really know what to expect, will this become a common thing, or will it just be one meeting?

Whatever happens, I felt like this is something I should record. For my own benefit. But as I am terrible at keeping a journal, but rather good at keeping up with my normal blog, I thought this was the best way to do it.

I also decided it would be better to keep this separate from my normal blog.

The Name:

The name of this blog, and the link for it come from the same source- Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, Dumbledore says this quote, which I have always found relevant.

I don't know if this is "the darkest of times", but it's pretty dark for me.
And essentially this journey is about finding away to turn on the light, and gathering the tools to do that.
If you're reading this, thank you for your time.